Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Balance, or the lack thereof

This mom thing, it's kicking my butt.

You know, there are some moments where I feel like I have everything under control. Like my girls might actually be learning things and my toddlers might survive another week without major bloodshed.

But they are mere moments. Blips on the screen.

Lately it seems like those moments, the good ones where I actually feel like a competent human being, are ever so quickly usurped by crying children. Or bleeding children. Or children with fevers, babies who shriek loudly for no apparent reason, children who stomp their feet and throw giant tantrums because they don't want to pratice their musical instrument, or children who don't belong to me but who need me to teach them a violin lesson.

I feel most days as if I'm walking a tightrope, balancing all the different parts and pieces of me, all the people who depend on me or expect things from me, and all my duties and responsibilities.

I wonder, most days, if it is really possible to balance everything. To give every part of my life, every person who is important to me, and every responsibility that is mine equal and appropriate amounts of love and TLC.  I don't think it is. Or I at least hope it isn't, because if it is, I'm failing miserably.

It just seems that if we're having a wonderful school day with my girls, that my house will inevitably look like a bomb exploded. If I'm paying bills and answering emails and trying to do all those adult things that keep my household functioning and running, babies will cry, or siblings will argue or the phone will ring or the dinner will burn, or someone (or multiple someones) will be crying. And some days, if I attempt to do anything at all, the baby will shriek his ear piercing shriek at the top of his lungs for no reason, and I will have no choice but to hold him, and nurse him, and chase him around the house chanting "Run, run, run, I'm going to get you!" just to get him to laugh and stop screaming for one blessed minute.

I am well aware that I chose this. All of it. The violin teaching, the homeschooling, the parenting. I am working towards loving my choice.

But damn if it isn't hard. When the baby cuts his finger, is bleeding everywhere and we can't decide if he need stitches or not, when the kids are all yelling at each other and I've been teaching all day and am exhausted because of the boys waking up at an unholy hour due to the *&%$ time change, when the two year old throws a toy and breaks a plate, and Dad is leaving on church business while 3 out of 4 kids are crying, it's hard not to throw in the towel and run away screaming.

So I'm going to bed, friends. And I'm going to try again tomorrow. For balance, for serenity, for less yelling, more laughing, less chaos and more sleep.


  1. I hear you on every bit of it! I'm actually thinking of giving up all my organ students to try to simplify. I hate to do that because it's my foot in the door to a future career, yet I also recognize it's something that's causing alot of stress (and most of the students aren't that personally fulfilling for me--I'm tired of teaching people that can barely read music). But I can relate to every word you wrote! (And I'm typing this with one child sitting practically on top of the computer, poking it and me with pick-up sticks as I type, and the other is crying at my feet to be picked up. They're both not even supposed to be awake yet.)

  2. I hear it too. We have all been there...moms that is. I have no advice to make it easier, but I will tell you that I have moved passed that stage of life...all too quickly I might add, and it is quiet. For 6 hours a day. Everyday. And my oldest child is out of the house off at college. And it is quiet.

    Simplify where you can. Let go of things that are not important. Make time to be a woman not just a mom. Make time to be lovers, not just parents and trust me...the balance will come and you will learn Relish the business and even chaos of family life. Hang in there Mama...

  3. Yes, we all have those times in our lives as moms when we are overwhelmed with everything on our plate. My mantra at times was "This too will pass." Soon your babies will grow older and there won't be as much screaming and nursing, etc...you'll miss it and wonder where the time went and look back thinking it wasn't so bad.

    When I am in those times, I do as NatureGirl suggested...simplify when I can. For example, a clean house isn't all its cracked up to be when you are homeschooling your kids. They won't remember that the house was a mess but they will remember the time you spent with them. You can even make it a game and give everyone a "job" to do to help clean up...even if they don't do it perfectly, they'll have fun and the house will look a little better.

    I am sure you're doing a great job! Hang in there...It will get easier!

  4. I promise, that kind of balance isn't possible. I have tried for years and it is always the same. I can give my attention to a few things, but not everything. I am finally learning not to be depressed by it all, but I still let it get me down way too often.



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