M.A.D.

Do you:

~Find yourself crying every morning when the alarm goes off?

~Grouch at your kids, your husband, the $&)*;#*@ dog, the government, the sun, the lack of sun, the price of rice in China, and anyone/anything unfortunate enough to cross your path before 9am?

~Believe that the numbers 5,6,7, and 8 only exist on the clock when they are followed by the letters pm?

~Refuse to believe in the mythical creatures known as "morning people?"

If so, you may have Morning Affective Disorder.

Symptoms of M.A.D. include excessive staring into space while your children consume way too much sugary cereal, bleary eyes and morning breath that could kill a large elephant, the blatant refusal to vacate your bedroom before 9am, uncontrollable weeping when the alarm goes off, and the threatening of bodily harm to anyone who dares speak to you before you have consumed the requisite amount of sugar and/or caffeine.

M.A.D. is potentially quite serious.  There have been reports of children going to school without homemade lunches, matching clothes, homework folders, or crazy hair on crazy hair day.  There have also been unconfimed reports of moms threatening to throw violins under the van or into the fireplace when said moms have been involved in music practicing before 10am. 

Someone you know and love might be affected by M.A.D.  If he or she spends the first few hours of the day rolling their eyes, growling, and mumbling incoherently, it is usually best to avoid this person all together to avoid potentially harmful side effects including grave personal harm.  You or your friend or family member is more likely to be affected by M.A.D. if they happen to be the parent of an infant or small child who believes that the only way they are capable of sleeping is if they are attached to said parent every possible second of the night.

As of this moment, the only treatment for M.A.D. is eliminating all triggers for the affected person.  People afflicted with M.A.D. should under no circumstances be forced to wake up or leave their beds, except of their own volition.  Care should be taken to only speak to those with M.A.D. in soft voices. You could offer food or drink, caffeine, sugar, a full body massage or an early morning nap.  Breakfast in bed is also a good option, but only if it occurs after 9am.  Under no circumstances should a person with M.A.D. be expected to be coherent, functional, pleasant, compassionate or understanding before the sun comes up.

Remember, M.A.D. is a serious disorder.  Until you know how M.A.D. affects you or those you live with, its best to just stay in bed.  Its safer that way.