Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Pre-Surgery Freak Out

Max's surgery is bright and early Tuesday morning.  (In theory of course.  Last time, we were assured that our surgery would be first thing in the morning: 7:30 am. It get rescheduled to 12:30 pm at 8 pm the night before.)  We won't know the exact time until tomorrow afternoon sometime.   W're headed to the hospital tomorrow afternoon for bloodwork and pre-op labs, then we're picking Tom's mom up at the airport.  Then Tom and the girls are dropping Max and me off at a hotel downtown (I am so not leaving Heber at 5 am for a 6 am check-in time at the hospital.  Nope, not happening.  The day is going to be bad enough without having to get up at 4 am.)  Then Tom will take his mom and the girls back home, and meet me in the hotel room sometime tomorrow night. 

You know, I have made a valiant effort to deal.  I've blogged about how I met my husband, we've had what feels like 842 violin events, (which translates into 842 trips to Salt Lake and back...) we planned and carried out two photo shoots, drove to weekly doctor appointments, and generally tried to ignore the fact that we were facing another surgery and hospital stay.

Problem is, when the surgery is 36 hours away, I can't be in denial anymore.  And it sucks. 

Here's the part where I sound like a whiney three year old.  I'm apologizing in advance.

This whole thing sucks.  Big time sucks.  It's so not fair that my cute little boy has to endure so much at the tender age of sixteen months.  It's bad enough that we had to do this once.  But it's way worse that we have to do it again, less than a year after the first operation.   The first surgery experience was terrible.  Being in the PICU for five days was a nightmare in and of itself.  There's no feeling so helpless as having all the expert doctors at one of the top children's hospitals in the country tell you that they have no idea why your son is getting better.  Or having multiple surgeons tell you that Max had complications they had never seen before, and that because it happened once, it could very well happen again.

It just seems so unfair.  He's still such a baby!
He's so active.
He's busy all the time.  I don't know how he's going to handle being in pain, not being able to see because his eyes are swollen shut, and being restricted with IV's, drains, and various other tubes, wires and heaven knows what else.
I feel guilty.  Like I'm the terrible parent.  He trusts me!  He doesn't have the slightest clue about what is going to happen to him.  It kills me that we'll take him to the hospital on Tuesday morning and he'll be happy and carefree, and then he'll wake up uncomfortable, confused, scared, and in pain, and not have any idea what the hell just happened to him.  Logic tells me that I'm being the good parent because I'm watching out for him, and what he needs, and that this surgery will help him lead a normal, fulfilling life.  Try telling that to my emotional side.
He's such a happy, joyful kid.  He has the cutest smiles, and the best facial expressions.  He makes us all laugh everyday.  I wish so much that it was me going through this instead of him.  I have no words to express the heartache that comes from seeing my baby in pain and not being able to do anything about it.

I know it will be okay.  My husband gave Max a blessing tonight that promised that he would be fine and suffer no ill-effects from the surgery.  I'm taking a lot of comfort in that.

I'm also comforted thinking that if all goes well, next week at this time, we'll be back home and be able to start (hopefully) putting all this behind us once and for all.
And it might take me a long time to get over the fact that they're going to have to shave all his cute curly hair off, leaving him as bald as a cue ball again.  *sigh*

I know we'll get through this.  I know that he is strong, and that I am strong.  We did it once before, and we can do it again.

Problem is, I just don't want to!

PS:  Photography by Amanda Weilenmann.  Aren't they great?


  1. Those pics of M are so stinkin' cute! He is lucky to have you, and you him.

    I will keep you guys in my thoughts. All will be well. Sorry it's so hard.

  2. I'm so sorry that you and Max have to endure this again. I'll be praying and thinking of you and your family!

  3. First of all, DARLING pictures! Second of all, you are totally validated in all of your emotions. Just hold on a bit longer and it will all be the history that has provided a healthy life for your son. Praying for you.

  4. I think all your emotions are 100% normal and totally OK. I don't think of this as whining at all. I think every mother has felt these exact same things about minor medical procedures, and yours is 10,000 more intense than that. I totally agree -- it's really not fair; it's just not.

    The pictures are SO cute!

  5. Uggg! I can't even tell you how sorry I am you are going through this again. You guys will be in our prayers and please let me know how I can help.

  6. What can I say other than I love you, Heavenly Father loves you and your sweet baby, and you guys will pull through this. I will so be thinking about you and praying for you. Call anytime you need to wile away the hours at the hospital. :)

  7. It does suck. Completely and totally.
    And my heart aches for his curly hair. I was devastated when they handed me Alayna's long, dark, wispy hair in a bag and gasped when the doctor first pulled off her head wrap to reveal her bald, swollen head.
    Know I'll be fervently praying for you all day Tuesday.
    And my offer still stands to break the first surgeon's fingers.
    Sending cocoa flavored hugs your way!

  8. I love the pictures, sweetie. I'm so sad for you all to have to go through this again. My prayers and thoughts are with you. God bless.

  9. Hello there,
    I have not posted before, but I want to tell you I will be thinking of you. My little one (3smonth old) has Metopic craniosynostosis as well, and she's getting a surgery done on Tuesday morning (tomorrow am) as well. Our operation is at 7:30am as well... I know exactly how you feel. I can't imagine having to go through it again... I wish you the best! Keep us posted. He's going to be fine. You're a very good parent, you are actually doing the best for him. He's going to be ok with the surgery and it'll all be behind you in a couple of weeks...

    Take care,

  10. I love the pictures, what a sweet little man. I'm so so sorry that you guys have to go through this AGAIN. I am sending all my love and crying in mothering sympathy for you... (((HUGS))) Stacy!!

  11. Aw, he is so incredibly adorable!!! Sorry I just saw this post since we've been out of town, and I know the surgery itself is over by now. But I just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you! Hang in there!


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