Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts

Monday, April 12, 2010

Utah Census

With apologies to those not living in Utah/not LDS, I thought this was too funny not to share.


Utah Census Form




1. _____________________ (Given name)

2. _____________________ (SURNAME)



3. Descendant of:

A. Brigham Young _____
B. Heber C. Kimball _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Cain _____


4. Tribe of Israel : _____________________


5. Number of occupants residing in home in each category:

(Listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women's _____
E. Young Men's _____
F. Relief Society _____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____


6. Occupation [Please select all that apply.]:

A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____


7. Automobile:

A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
F. BMW (Big Mormon Wagon) ________


8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam's All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____


9. Favorite Hero:

A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite_____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____


10. Which of the following do you bring to church [check all that apply.]:

A. scriptures _____
B. Franklin Planner/ Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil _____
D. Lifesavers/ Cheerios _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____


11. Do you prepare your church lessons:

A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you're teaching ___
H. Just wing it [according to the promptings of the Spirit]


12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders?: yes___ no ___


13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____


14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____


15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______


16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____


17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Dancing with the Stars?"


18. How many times a year do you make:

A. Green Jell-O salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey , cashews and grape-stuffed croissants_____


19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____


20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

A. Alcatraz
B. Fort Knox
C. Ward Libraries


21. How many structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you'll win the pinewood derby: _________


22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate: ___ pounds daily X 365 days annually= ____
B. Cola: ____gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____


23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____


AMEN

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Funny Things They Say

Important Editor's Note: This post, originally scheduled for Thursday, was unavoidably delayed by a certain fourteen month old baby, who shall remain nameless.  Said toddler is determined that he can no longer sleep unless he is draped all over his mother and nursing at 45 minute intervals all. night. long.  This has, understandably, put a crimp in the writer's blogging, which inevitably happens at 11:30 at night.  We appreciate your understanding, and we now return you to yesterday's regularly scheduled blog post. 




Heard today from my adorable heathens children:

Ashlynn (age 6) upon coming home from school:  "Mom!  It stinks so bad outside!  It's like someone farted all over the entire world!"

Yes, she is my child.  Because after all, at our house, farts are nothing if not both hysterically funny and incredibly stinky.

Abby (age 8) in the middle of an argument while practicing the violin: "MOM!  (stomp foot.) I know you're right! (Huff, puff, roll eyes.)  I just,  (weeping and wailing,) don't want, (gnashing of teeth)  to admit it!"

Well,  at least she's learning the important lessons early in life.

Max (age 14 months): "Ball!  Ball!  BallballballballballballballballballballballBALL!"  (Hey cut him some slack, he's only fourteen months, and only has about 6 words.  But it was pretty funny watching him throw the ball around the kitchen then run and pick it up, only to throw it again.)

I love my crazies.



Sunday, October 25, 2009

Thursday, August 20, 2009

You know you're done with your back-to-school shopping when...

You turn around to find your girls pulling the pants off the mannequins to find out if they are anatomically correct.

Just in case you're wondering, the mannequins at Old Navy are in fact, anatomically correct. (All the people doing their shopping got the pleasure of hearing "Abby, I can see his weiner!" being yelled at full volume across Old Navy. Yeah, we're done. Anything that isn't done is done now.)

Is it wrong that I couldn't stop laughing?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

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