Utah Census

With apologies to those not living in Utah/not LDS, I thought this was too funny not to share.


Utah Census Form




1. _____________________ (Given name)

2. _____________________ (SURNAME)



3. Descendant of:

A. Brigham Young _____
B. Heber C. Kimball _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Cain _____


4. Tribe of Israel : _____________________


5. Number of occupants residing in home in each category:

(Listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women's _____
E. Young Men's _____
F. Relief Society _____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____


6. Occupation [Please select all that apply.]:

A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____


7. Automobile:

A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
F. BMW (Big Mormon Wagon) ________


8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam's All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____


9. Favorite Hero:

A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite_____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____


10. Which of the following do you bring to church [check all that apply.]:

A. scriptures _____
B. Franklin Planner/ Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil _____
D. Lifesavers/ Cheerios _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____


11. Do you prepare your church lessons:

A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you're teaching ___
H. Just wing it [according to the promptings of the Spirit]


12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders?: yes___ no ___


13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____


14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____


15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______


16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____


17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Dancing with the Stars?"


18. How many times a year do you make:

A. Green Jell-O salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey , cashews and grape-stuffed croissants_____


19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____


20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

A. Alcatraz
B. Fort Knox
C. Ward Libraries


21. How many structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you'll win the pinewood derby: _________


22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate: ___ pounds daily X 365 days annually= ____
B. Cola: ____gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____


23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____


AMEN