Saturday, November 28, 2009

Confessions of a (not so!) Crunchy Mom

So according to this quiz, I am a "Super Nutty, Ultra-Crunchy, Granola Earth Mama!"  This makes me laugh.Yes, I have had an homebirth and an (accidental!) unassisted birth.  I have breastfed for almost 7 years combined now, have no qualms about nursing in public anywhere, have overcome all manner of obstacles, and have no plans to stop any time soon.  We cosleep, I occasionally use a baby sling, we didn't circumcize, I attend births as a doula, we don't belive in "crying it out," I have a bunch of liberal/democrat political leanings, and and I've been known to use breastmilk in the eye as a pink eye remedy. I like to hang out on a group of LDS Natural Mamas, and used to waste a lot of time on MDC before it got all weird and over-moderated.  I'm even featured in the "Crunchy Moms" section over at Mormon Mommy Blogs. (I also had a slice of my placenta in a smoothie after Max was born, then had the rest of the placenta encapsulated and took it in pill form for several weeks to ward off post-partum depression.  It worked amazingly well, but I don't usually tell people because it makes me look really crazy!)

But I have to fess up.  I'm really not all that crunchy of a mom.  For example:

I don't cloth diaper.  And although I feel the slightest little twinge of guilt about it, and occasionally think about it for a brief second every couple of months (usually when I put another Ultra-Mega-Jumbo or whatever they're called pack of Pampers in my grocery cart,) I know that I could never do it.  Just today, I finished folding last week's laundry, and I have 5-6 more loads waiting to be washed, dried, folded and put away.  I frequently have to pick through baskets of clean laundry to find underwear so I have something to put on.  People tell me that diaper laundry is different, that its more fun to wash diapers.  Yeah.  I still think I would end up sending one of my girls to fish through a basket of clothes to find a diaper while trying to keep the baby from smearing poop everywhere while I waited for the diaper.  And its not that I don't have all the respect in the world for cloth diaperers.  But I couldn't tell an AIO from a pocket from a Fuzzi-buns.  And my eyes have a tendency to glaze over when I read blog posts about cloth diapering. 

I just ate Jell-O for a snack.  I secretly eat Fruit by the Foot when my kids aren't looking.  I am a little addicted occasionally enjoy a Diet Coke with Lime. If any of my crunchy friends were ever at the grocery store with me, they would probably be horrified by the contents of my grocery cart.  (I can't be the only one who looks at what other people put in their carts, can I?)  We eat way too much over-processed white crappy food, and darken the door of way too many fast food restaurants.  I'm constantly working on it, but most days seem to make little progress.  Sigh.

I wear makeup.  Every Day.  And I shave my legs.  And my armpits.  And I don't use "natural" body products, and I don't really have a reason why. Never cleaned with vinegar either.  Can't stand the smell.

I don't wear Birkenstocks.  And although I've never owned a single piece of hemp jewelry, I do enjoy henna tattoos.  I don't own any long flow-y skirts either. 

I don't homeschool my kids.  I was a homeschooler once upon a time, but was a miserable failure at it.  I have the heart of a homeschooler, but I don't think I have the self discipline, motivation or patience.  Although I have recently been kicking the idea around more and more as I see my children not being challenged, and hear stories of them watching movies in PE. 

I've found myself lately putting more trust in the medical system.  Its an odd place to be in, because while I believe that there are natural treatments that work in most situations, they won't work to fix Max's head.   And while I've been caught up in the swirl of a million specialists, treatments and hospital visits, I've found myself not necessarily leaving the natural treatments behind, but setting them aside for a while.  And when we all got swine flu in October, I realized a week, two doctor visits, one x-ray, two breathing treatments, and three prescriptions later, that there were probably some other more natural things I could have tried.  I narrowly escaped being hospitalized, though, so maybe the elderberry syrup wouldn't have helped after all.  I think balance is a good thing.  And I still believe in breastmilk for pinkeye, and ear infections for that matter.

I've never made my own yogurt, sprouted my own sourdough, or made kefir.  I don't even know what kefir is, other than several of my friends have talked about making it.  I don't drink apple cider vinegar, and the one time I made bread from scratch was a huge celebrated event last Christmas Vacation that hasn't happened since.

Ok, fine.  Take away my crunchy membership card.  Fine.  This is me sticking my toungue out at you.   And I still think that drinking part of my placenta in a smoothie should ensure my membership in the Crunchy hall of fame.  Cheers!


  1. I'm kind of the same way. I think I have eaten more fast food in the last month than I did in the last year.

    Today I decided to get some Thai curry. That barely counts as fast food. But somehow I ended up ordering tempura-fried shrimp and vegetables and ate that first. I barely even got to the curry because the 'appetizer' was so filling!

    I think the placenta smoothie definitely ensures lifelong crunchiness.

  2. Hee hee! Good post! My most mortifying non-crunchy secret is that my kids eat WAY too much candy and sugar. Why? Because their mom can't stop eating it.

  3. How on earth did you have your placenta encapsulated? I've never heard of such a thing! Neat!! (yeah, i'm a little on the crunchy side myself:)

  4. well, at least you know I am right there with you. My crunchy card comes and goes.

  5. My best bet is that I'm a total "soggy" mom, so I wouldn't dare take your crunchy card away. We're all different so that we have someone to laugh at. (Just kidding.)


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