Friday, December 11, 2009

The Top 10 Crappiest Christmas Songs of All Time


This time of year is famous for lists such as "The best and worst movies of 2010."or "The top 10 reasons the Smith Family ended up in the hospital in 2010."  In the spirit of the season, I present to you the:

Official Top 10 Crappiest Christmas Songs of All Time.

Aren't you excited?  You should be.  It not every day that songs this terrible combine to form a calculated assualt on your eardrums and intelligence.  Read and Listen at your own risk.  I refuse to be held responsible for terrible songs that may or may not get stuck in your head until next April.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

10.  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause  OK, seriously.  Think about the lyrics of this song. Isn't it just a bit disturbing?  What about poor Mrs. Clause? She spends all year helping in the workshop, feeding and cleaning up after all those elves, nagging Santa about getting all the toys done by deadline, no love, no recognition, no one writes songs about her or writes her letters and here she gets rewarded by Santa sliding down the chimney and kissing the first tramp that comes along.  And if this kid's dad finds out, I highly doubt he'll think its a laugh. I'm betting money that next year, the dad lights a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve.  Oh, and just for fun, I've linked this to the Amy Winehouse version of this catchy little tune.  Because that's the only way to make this song more painful to listen to.

9.  Santa Clause got Stuck in My Chimney  OK, the idea behind the song is a valid one.  After all, how likely is it that a fat man in a red suit would be able to slide down all those chimneys without getting stuck?  But just take a little listen to the excruciating melody, and tell me you're not going to be singing it incessantly until St Patrick's Day.

8.  Jingle Bells as sung (barked?) by a pack of dogs  I have a very large dog.  She barks.  A lot.  Loudly.  Yes, we're the bad neighbors with the barking dog that everyone hates.  I can't count the number of times that I've threatened to kill the dog when she starts barking and wakes the baby that just took everything short of a head stand to get to sleep. Let me clarify though: she' my husband's dog.  There's very little love lost between the two of us. So why in the name of Christmas Music would anyone want to listen to Jingle Bells barked by dogs?  And who has the kind of time that it took to put this together.  Send them my way.  I've got some toilets that could use scrubbing, and a refrigerator that stinks.

7. That terrible "Christmastime" Song on the Peanuts Christmas Movie  Don't get me wrong.  I have nothing against Charlie Brown, Lucy or even Pigpen.  I watched the Charlie Brown movies religiously like every other kid my age.  But this song! Not only is it screechy, whiny, and unitelligable, but it incredibly out of tune.  I'm a violin teacher.  I spend all day cringing at notes so bad that they would make Beethoven himself weep so I can't for the life of me figure out how anyone who calls themself a musician would ever put this song on the radio.

6.  Feliz Navidad  Now before you start getting all uptight and throwing your Christmas fruitcake at me, I have nothing against Christmas songs in another language.  But the only thing that's more annoying than a song getting stuck in your head for hours days is having that song stuck in your head when you know only an approximation of the words.  It usually sounds something like this, especially when its being screamed sung by the two girls in the back seat of my van: "Feliz Navidad,! Feliz Navidad! Feliz Navidad, prospberlahig blah blah blah blah blah blah."  See, I have you singing it now don't I.  I have myself singing it now too.  Stupid Song.  For Bonus Christmas Spirit, the link has Elmo singing.  Don't say I don't love you.

5.  Mele Kalikimaka  Yeah.  See above.  Only this time it has Hawaiian words.  Which wouldn't be so bad if I lived in say, Hawaii instead of in samll town Utah where it was a balmy -5 degrees when I took my kids to school this morning.  I think my nose hairs might have frozen, and I still don't think the baby has forgiven me for making him wear a hat.  But, I digress. The only redeeming virtue of this song is that its featured on "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," which as any living, breathing human being can tell you is the best Christmas movie ever, but I still fast forward when this song comes on.

4.  Christmas Shoes I may be forever cementing my place in the heartless hall of fame for this one, but I can't help but find this song nauseating.  I just can't stand songs that are written to purposely manipulate people  into crying.  It has the opposite effect on me- it makes me wonder why in the world a little boy is wandering around in stores by himself buying shoes. What his mom probably needs and wants most is to have all her family around her at Christmas.  I know, I know.  I'm a heartless cynic and you're getting ready to throw things at me.  Okay fine.  Just make sure you throw fudge.  And peanut brittle.  Keep the fruitcake and those weird powdery white chookies to yourself. 

3.  Twelve Days of Christmas  Once again, I'm being the cynic.  But if I had a true love that sent me approximately 7422 birds and 943 random people dressed up as maids milking, lords leaping, drummers drumming, pipers piping, ladies dancing et al, I'd be seriously rethinking our relationship.  But I'd keep all those gold rings and taking them to one of those "We Buy Gold" places and buying myself a vacation to Hawaii.  I'll even sing "Mele Kalikimaka" while I'm there.

2. Little Drummer Boy  Don't even know what to say about this one, other than I wouldn't be sad if I never heard another "PaRumPumPumPum."  And have you ever noticed that even when girls sing this, they're still a "poor boy too?"  I don't know about you, but if I had jut had a baby, the last thing I would want is for some random kid to come and start banging a drum.  Although I have to give props to the people who had the time and the brains to put together the youtube video for this song.  It actually makes it kind of funny in a weird sort of way.

And now the moment you've all bee waiting for....

Drum Roll Please........

The winner in this year's Crappiest Christmas Song contest is :


1.  The Merry Christmas Polka  What?  You've never heard the "Merry Christmas Polka?"  Yeah, there's a reason for that.  Like the fact that if this song was any more annoying it would have to not only come with a warning label stating that listening to it might just make the listener repeatedly try to scratch his or her eyes out, but its a polka for cryin' out loud.  Could there be any worse form of dance?  This came on the radio the other day while I was driving the canyon with my violinist, and she proclaimed that it was "embarassing."  There ya go.  It doesn't get much worse to an eight year old than embarassing.

So there you have it.  Aren't you glad you decided to stop by today?  I thought so.  Happy ParumPumPumPum-ing and Merry Christmas Polka-ing in your new Christmas shoes, and Feliz Kalikimaka and all that.  Arguments?  Any others that I've missed?  Which song makes you mute the radio faster that you can say "Ho Ho Ho"?

13 comments:

  1. Are you joking about #10? It's about the mom kissing the dad dressed up as Santa.

    I agree about Christmas Shoes. I don't like it.

    I think the all time worst is "Last Christmas" by Wham!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZhoF9Isf0o
    The benefit of that video is that it has sweet 80's style!!
    Also, I had to type that URL in by hand because your comment box won't let me paste.

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  2. This is a fine list. I'm going to twitter the link to it in just a sec.

    Never heard of the Christmas polka, but it sounds dreadful! although I do love Feliz Navidad! (don't unfriend me now!)

    :)

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  3. HAHAHA! I HATE the Christmas Shoes song--overplayed and annoying. Right on!

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  4. I like the christmas polka, so there!!!
    I also like the doggie jingle bells...but you're right, the rest are very very bad.
    How about "santa baby"? it makes me cringe. I also hate pretty much all the love songs that randomly mention cold or snow or christmas and thus pass as christmas songs...LAME.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stace! You're funny! Who knew?? lol

    You are fabulously on track with all of these songs. But you forgot that annoying one by Paul McCartney - what's it called? Oh yes, "Wonderful Christmastime".... with all the off-key, screechy kids in the background. And, "Grandma got ran over by a reindeer"... hick accent galore... and Elton John's attempt - "Welcome to this Christmas song..." don't know the title of that one either. Tragic. I could probably go on all day. But I'm not as funny as you. I hope you give us 11-20 next year!

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  6. Right on! Except, Little Drummer Boy. I have MANY bad versions but if it is done right, I love it! Listen to Josh Grobans version, it is my fav.

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  7. Seems like the cure for #'s 5 & 6 would be to learn the words then? No, never heard of #5, but #6 can definitely be annoying, even when you know all the words, just one of those songs you can't get out of your head...

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  8. Worst Christmas Song Ever? A tie between Jingle Bell Rock and Rock'n Around the Christmas Tree. I want to throw things every time either of these songs comes on the radio...
    Also, you should "meet" my sister-also a homebirthing, breastfeeding, doula-ing, natural parenting mother of three! :-) (www.ingfamily.blogspot.com)

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  9. First, I have to comment on your comment over at MMB, because I have KNOWN that chorister (or her prototype) and women like that just really need to get over themselves. I am a professional music conductor, and I would never do what she did to you. Type up this comment, and send it to her.

    Now, as for your list: I love Feliz Navidad but only because since my children were very, very small, we would listen to a Time Life CD that included that song while we decorated for Christmas. And when that song came on, we would all drop what we were doing and dance.

    My kids are big now, but we still dance to Feliz Navidad.

    Christmas Shoes? Pure vomit.

    Ditto Little Drummer Boy and pretty much everything else on your list. Well writ!

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  10. Just wanted to come over and visit you after seeing your comment at MMB. I just knew we'd be friends after reading that.

    The barking dogs Jingle Bells is probably the worst one for me. Who thought this was a good idea?

    I just found out that the Charlie Brown song and movie used kids from literally off the street as the voices. With the exception of Charlie Brown and Linus. Which explains a lot about that song.

    Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I agree with the majority of your list, although my husband is Hawaiian and we kind of like Mele Kalikimaka around here. :) But I hate Feliz Navidad.

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  11. I now, unfortunately, have the damn "Feliz Navidad" song stuck in my head (all 4 words I know of it). And your comment for the gold rings in the "12 days of Christmas" is PRICELESS (however the 'Gold Guys' would beg to differ). I will, finally, admit I youtubed the barking dog "Jingle bells" song only to be driven to the vanity mirror for aspirin!

    Happy Holidays Stacy! A fantastic blog!

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  12. I hate Christmas Shoes too, but my all-time-turn-the-radio-as-fast-as-possible Christmas song is Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg. No offense to Mr. F but it's not even a Christmas song! The only reason it gets played is because they ran into each on Christmas Eve. That's it. And how depressing is it to run into your long-lost love(er) at the grocery store on Christmas Eve.....

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