The baby is getting a nasty cold again. He might have made it a whole four or five days without a snotty nose this time around, but we're all paying for it now. His breathing is rattling, he's as cranky as all get out, and he's sneezing championship-length snot streamers on a regular basis. (I refuse to apologize for the grossness of the previous visual. Welcome to my life.) So he hasn't been sleeping, and neither have I. Although, fortunately for him, he's the baby and he gets to nap wherever he wants.
Plus, I'm just being a mom. You know, the whole cook-the-meals, do-the-shopping, referee-the-fights, sign-the-permission-slips, negotiate-the-practicing, orchestrate-the-bedtime, pick-the-living-room-up-fifty-times-in-one-day, watch-out-or-that-mountain-of-laundry-might-topple-over-and-kill-you thing. And I'm tired. Not just the no sleep kind of tired, but the worn from the inside out kind of tired.
This morning began just as last night ended: in tears. Tears from feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and definitely overtired and overextended. Tears from not knowing if I really had it in me to do it for one more day.
The thing is, I wouldn't change much about my life if I had the chance. Sure, given the opportunity, I'd put in for a giant raise, a house with more than two bedrooms and less than three floors, and legs that would actually fit into a pair of skinny jeans, but I wouldn't change the path I've chosen. I love being a mom. I love staying home with them. But I don't think I'm alone when I say that it's so crazy hard sometimes.
I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that it's the end of January, and I haven't seen grass since November, and probably won't until sometime March-ish. I always get a major case of the blahs around this time of year, and there's nothing to do but slug my way through it. I'm sure some vitamin D supplements wouldn't hurt. Neither would some chocolate.
I am grateful today though, that I'm a blogger. Because posts like this and this and especially this (which once again left me in tears- what is it about today?) remind me that I'm not the only one that feels like this.
Yesterday, after expressing my frustrations to my husband, and complaining to him that I felt like I'd worked all day and gotten nothing accomplished, he looked at me and said "You know, your problem is that you're too focused on tasks instead of relationships. You spent all day mothering out children, and that's the most important thing you could be doing with your time."
I'm going to try and hang onto that thought as I teach a few violin lessons, drive down the mountain tonight for a Suzuki Violin concert, and stay up all night with my adorable snotty baby.
I'm still hoping for that nap though...
Aw, hang in there! I think your assessment of it being the mid-winter blah's is probably right on. I've got them right now too. (And we don't have near the snow you do...)
ReplyDeleteYou got me all misty here. Not wanting another path is always such a great sign, I think. We love our kids and spouse the best we can, and even on an exhausting day we don't want to change it for another life. I am with ya on this one.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are certainly the things that count. Looks like you are right on track!
I'm sorry. I think sometimes its frustrating when people say, " I know how you feel." But truthfully, we are all different. Still, I do understand the feeling.
ReplyDeleteBut you are doing awesome. Give yourself some credit and grab a giant chocolate bar.
I wish I could help.
Tom (through your blog) has shared more than one nugget of wisdom...such an important thing to remember! He's a keeper.
ReplyDeleteAnd I believe in you!
Girl, we share eerie similarities.
ReplyDeleteRecently, my husband has said a similar thing, that I'm too task oriented and need to focus more on the peeps (especially the little ones) of the household.
Oh. Yes, another reminder for me, from him and a gentle one here in your post.
We can do it, somehow, I know we can.