Friday, December 10, 2010

Official Top 10 Crappiest Christmas Songs of All Time

This is a re-post from last year, but I was inspired to bring it out after hearing two of these songs in a row on the radio this morning.  Plus, it was written last year, when I was free from crazy, creativity-stealing pregnancy and/or breastfeeding hormones.  Enjoy!

This time of year is famous for lists such as "The best and worst movies of 2010."or "The top 10 reasons the Smith Family ended up in the hospital in 2010." In the spirit of the season, I present to you the:

Official Top 10 Crappiest Christmas Songs of All Time.

10. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus OK, seriously. Think about the lyrics of this song. Isn't it just a bit disturbing? What about poor Mrs. Claus? She spends all year helping in the workshop, feeding and cleaning up after all those elves, nagging Santa about getting all the toys done by deadline, no love, no recognition, no one writes songs about her or writes her letters and here she gets rewarded by Santa sliding down the chimney and kissing the first tramp that comes along. And if this kid's dad finds out, I highly doubt he'll think its a laugh. I'm betting money that next year, the dad lights a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Oh, and just for fun, I've linked this to the Amy Winehouse version of this catchy little tune. Because that's the only way to make this song more painful to listen to.

9. Santa Claus got Stuck in My Chimney OK, the idea behind the song is a valid one. After all, how likely is it that a fat man in a red suit would be able to slide down all those chimneys without getting stuck? But just take a little listen to the excruciating melody, and tell me you're not going to be singing it incessantly until St Patrick's Day.

8. Jingle Bells as sung (barked?) by a pack of dogs I have a very large dog. She barks. A lot. Loudly. Yes, we're the bad neighbors with the barking dog that everyone hates. I can't count the number of times that I've threatened to kill the dog when she starts barking and wakes the baby that just took everything short of a head stand to get to sleep. Let me clarify though: she' my husband's dog. There's very little love lost between the two of us. So why in the name of Christmas Music would anyone want to listen to Jingle Bells barked by dogs? And who has the kind of time that it took to put this together. Send them my way. I've got some toilets that could use scrubbing, and a refrigerator that stinks.

7. That terrible "Christmastime" Song on the Peanuts Christmas Movie Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Charlie Brown, Lucy or even Pigpen. I watched the Charlie Brown movies religiously like every other kid my age. But this song! Not only is it screechy, whiny, and unitelligable, but it incredibly out of tune. I'm a violin teacher. I spend all day cringing at notes so bad that they would make Beethoven himself weep so I can't for the life of me figure out how anyone who calls themself a musician would ever put this song on the radio.

6. Feliz Navidad Now before you start getting all uptight and throwing your Christmas fruitcake at me, I have nothing against Christmas songs in another language. But the only thing that's more annoying than a song getting stuck in your head for hours days is having that song stuck in your head when you know only an approximation of the words. It usually sounds something like this, especially when its being screamed sung by the two girls in the back seat of my van: "Feliz Navidad,! Feliz Navidad! Feliz Navidad, prospberlahig blah blah blah blah blah blah." See, I have you singing it now don't I. I have myself singing it now too. Stupid Song. For Bonus Christmas Spirit, the link has Elmo singing. Don't say I don't love you.

5. Mele Kalikimaka Yeah. See above. Only this time it has Hawaiian words. Which wouldn't be so bad if I lived in say, Hawaii instead of in samll town Utah where it was a balmy -5 degrees when I took my kids to school this morning. I think my nose hairs might have frozen, and I still don't think the baby has forgiven me for making him wear a hat. But, I digress. The only redeeming virtue of this song is that its featured on "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," which as any living, breathing human being can tell you is the best Christmas movie ever, but I still fast forward when this song comes on.

4. Christmas Shoes I may be forever cementing my place in the heartless hall of fame for this one, but I can't help but find this song nauseating. I just can't stand songs that are written to purposely manipulate people into crying. It has the opposite effect on me- it makes me wonder why in the world a little boy is wandering around in stores by himself buying shoes. What his mom probably needs and wants most is to have all her family around her at Christmas. I know, I know. I'm a heartless cynic and you're getting ready to throw things at me. Okay fine. Just make sure you throw fudge. And peanut brittle. Keep the fruitcake and those weird powdery white chookies to yourself.

3. Twelve Days of Christmas Once again, I'm being the cynic. But if I had a true love that sent me approximately 7422 birds and 943 random people dressed up as maids milking, lords leaping, drummers drumming, pipers piping, ladies dancing et al, I'd be seriously rethinking our relationship. But I'd keep all those gold rings and taking them to one of those "We Buy Gold" places and buying myself a vacation to Hawaii. I'll even sing "Mele Kalikimaka" while I'm there.

2. Little Drummer Boy Don't even know what to say about this one, other than I wouldn't be sad if I never heard another "PaRumPumPumPum." And have you ever noticed that even when girls sing this, they're still a "poor boy too?" I don't know about you, but if I had jut had a baby, the last thing I would want is for some random kid to come and start banging a drum. Although I have to give props to the people who had the time and the brains to put together the youtube video for this song. It actually makes it kind of funny in a weird sort of way.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for....

Drum Roll Please........

The winner in this year's Crappiest Christmas Song contest is :

1. The Merry Christmas Polka What? You've never heard the "Merry Christmas Polka?" Yeah, there's a reason for that. Like the fact that if this song was any more annoying it would have to not only come with a warning label stating that listening to it might just make the listener repeatedly try to scratch his or her eyes out, but its a polka for cryin' out loud. Could there be any worse form of dance? This came on the radio the other day while I was driving the canyon with my violinist, and she proclaimed that it was "embarassing." There ya go. It doesn't get much worse to an eight year old than embarassing.

So there you have it. Aren't you glad you decided to stop by today? I thought so. Happy ParumPumPumPum-ing and Merry Christmas Polka-ing in your new Christmas shoes, and Feliz Kalikimaka and all that. Arguments? Any others that I've missed? Which song makes you mute the radio faster that you can say "Ho Ho Ho"?


  1. And I'm pretty sure that last year I voted for "Last Christmas" as worst ever, and that's still my vote this year :-)

  2. I agree with all of these, especially Christmas shoes. However, I'm pretty sure that in the mommy kissing Santa Claus song, the implication is that daddy *is* Santa Claus but the kid just doesn't know. Which I guess makes it hard to explain the song to your own kids without blowing Santa's cover or admitting an adulterous relationship.
    I also hate I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. If you haven't heard it, count yourself blessed.
    Oh, one more. I also hate that Santa Baby song. It's like the antithesis of real Christmas. Greedy, rotten dame.

  3. I am pretty sure I am going to die laughing right now. HILarious!!! And a very Merry Christmas to you!!! HOHOHO...

  4. I was so hoping "Christmas Shoes" would be on your list. I hate that song.

  5. just stopping by from MMB post of the week - My LEAST faVORITE Christmas song that is WAAAAAAY over played on the radio is Dan Fogelberg's "Same Old Lang Syne" about the guy who meets his old lover in the grocery, they kick back a few beers in her car then both drive off in the rain.

    really really up lifting. Seriously.

    I enjoyed your list. :)

  6. The Merry Christmas Polka? I never have heard it, but I hate it already...

  7. Oh my....I am always ridiculously sick of any and all christmas songs by about December 3rd. Honestly. I can only hear "Jingle Bells" so many times, by so many different 'artists' before I'd like to rip the stupid car stereo out with my bare hands and toss it out the window into the snow.
    Call me Grinch.....I don't mind!!!

  8. Colby and Dani -- huh? Just checked my mp3 files and find 4,229 songs listed in the Christmas genre. About 300 hours with no repeats (artists). Love the stuff! Start playing holiday music November 1st and pretty much play it through the holidays which end after the Super Bowl the first week of February -- but at least November and into New Year's.

    As for this list -- not too much argument. Am fond, though, of I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus by Kip Adona (mommie is wearing the santa suit and things progress more naturally).

  9. On another note, thinking about it a bit, would rate the worst holiday album of late, by someone who is mainstream legend (there is lots of low budget crap), as being that of Bob Dylan last year. Truly awful. This year, probably Annie Lennox -- a dud.


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